Finding Heaven In The Dark – CHAPTER 9 – AN INVITATION TO OPENNESS – page 192

Published September 29, 2019
                            Patience impacted my life in
such a positive way that I knew I would never be the same again
and that was a good thing.

I was learning to deal with each day’s problems. I was still
frustrated at my frustration and angry at my anger. I covered my feeling with Christian behavior. However, there was a difference now, because I discerned what was happening inside me. Then, I
repented. Repentance is a willing step in the process of eliminating
our self-conceit and self-will. It is voluntary suffering; we feel
our selfish ego die. I was discovering how to surrender my will to

I discerned the conflict between my conscience and my former
self. During meditation, I recited the Lord’s Prayer. I grasped that I
must “be still and know” the lessons, before my lies and excuses were
unpeeled like layers of an onion. As we encounter the riddle of our
selves, we are brought to repentance repeatedly. Baptized with tears
of repentance, I prayed for the real Jesus, not just the idea of him, to
come into my life as my Savior.

I stopped judging myself. Whenever thoughts of judgment about
my weight entered my mind, I had to be still and watch. Sometimes
I failed miserably, as I watched the demon of self-loathing torment
me. Directly, I broke down and consoled myself with food. With my
youthful passions and imagination, the task of staying aware and
patient during times of stress was a challenge. My faith kept me com-
mitted to the process.

When Old Bill left the mission, he may have seen this action as
his final strike against me. Before I began to understand our con
flicted personalities, I avoided direct contact with him. I released my
part in our destructive relationship, and this freedom mirrored being
released from bondage. This man was in pain, and my emotions were
the “drug” he came to depend on to ease his pain. I refused to play
any more by not hating him back. I tried to reach out to him, explain
our compulsions, and apologize for my part. Old Bill sidestepped my
forgiving attitude. One morning he was gone. He had moved on, as
Emil had, under cover of darkness.

Hear The Author Show interview with William L. Ingram about writing FINDING HEAVEN IN THE DARK: